Five Years Later
by rcfrenchhorn33
Summary: It's been five years since Derek walked out of the BAU. A lot has changed for him, and he makes the decision to return to his family, his home. But nothing is the same. Especially the reason he needed to come back: his Baby Girl.
1. Chapter 1

It's been five years. Five years since I walked through these halls. Five years since I saw these faces on a regular basis, heard these voices. It's exhilarating and terrifying to return to the place I once called home, but deep inside, there is a true feeling of rightness. Everything within me is at peace again. People in this job don't often say that. I mean, I fight crime. I help capture serial killers. The worst of the worst. Well, I used to help capture serial killers. And now I do again. I'm finally back at the BAU. Five years later. Derek Morgan is back.

I walk through the glass doors that lead into the BAU, and everything looks the same. Memories instantly flood over me as I look around the room. Remembering where I was when JJ gave me the picture of my family, when I said my goodbyes, but more importantly than those bittersweet memories is the greatest memory of all: the day I met Penelope. I walk over to the spot she was standing in when I first laid eyes on her, and when I close my eyes, I can still see it like it was yesterday.

"Derek, is that you?" someone calls from behind me, breaking me from my thoughts. I turn around and see Spencer coming in the glass doors looking shocked and disbelieving.

"It's me, Pretty Boy."

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm coming home. I was just rehired and I start back today!"

Spencer's mouth falls open and he oddly doesn't seem happy about my presence.

"I thought you'd be happy about this, kid."

"I am, it's just-"

"What?"

"You should have let us know you were coming. We haven't seen you in a while. Some people might not handle this well."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Derek, you haven't exactly kept in touch over the past five years. And if you haven't kept in touch with me, who you partially named your child after, I can't imagine that you kept in touch with anyone."

"No, I'll be the first to admit that. I wanted a clean break from this work and I didn't know how to talk to you guys without it becoming about work."

"You should have tried. Things are…different around here. It's not the same as it was when you left. People aren't the same."

"You're trying to tell me something. Just tell me."

"You'll see in a minute," he replies, checking his watch before moving over to his desk.

"Spencer," I begin, but before I can continue, the doors open again, and my heart falters in my chest. "Penelope," I whisper, almost like a prayer. Except this is not the Penelope I remember. Her hair is black now, she looks like she hasn't slept in years, and her clothes. "Are you wearing black?" I hear myself asking, even though I don't mean to. I stare at her in confusion, barely recognizing the woman before me. The woman who doesn't have any flowers in her hair, isn't smiling, and looks pissed off at the world.

"Nice to see you too, Agent Morgan," she replies, barely acknowledging me before turning away and walking toward her office, slamming the door shut behind her.

"What-what-Spencer. What's going on?"

"I told you. Things are different now."

"But-I don't understand."

"You should have kept in touch, Derek."

* * *

At the morning round table, Penelope enters last and in a storm, taking the seat opposite me in a huff.

"Good morning, everyone," Hotch begins. "I want to begin our meeting by welcoming back Agent Derek Morgan. For those of you who don't know Agent Morgan, he was a part of the BAU five years ago and we are lucky enough to have him back." At this, I hear Penelope scoff across from me and see her wince as, I assume, Hotch kicks her under the table. I look around the rest of the room and see several new faces where my friends used to sit. Rossi is the only other team member left, but he's not meeting my eyes. He's staring at Penelope with a look of deep concern.

He and Hotch had both given me the same lukewarm greeting when they arrived, while looking at the closed door of Penelope's office. I watched closely after they left and noticed that they both eventually ended up entering Pen's office and remained inside for a long time. I had no clue about where to begin to figure out what had happened while I was gone. I tried to talk to Spencer, but he just clammed up and walked away from me, and it's pretty easy to tell that Hotch and Rossi are going to be the same.

"Well, we don't have any new cases today," Hotch stated, bringing me back to the meeting. "Spend the day finishing up paperwork, for those of you who don't know Derek, get to know him, and I'll alert you all if any new cases come in." Before anyone else realized the meeting was over, Penelope was already out the door and almost to her office. I leapt up, wanting to chase after her and figure out what was going on, but I was pushed back into my seat by Rossi.

"Rossi, man, please talk to me. Please, I don't know what's going on. She's not herself. What happened?"

"You happened. Did you really think that you could leave and everything would be okay? How long has it been since you last talked to Penelope?"

"I don't know. A while, I guess. I've been busy. There's been a lot of stuff going on."

"It's been two and a half years, Derek."

"What?! That's not possible."

"It is. And when you stopped making time for her, she stopped wanting you to come back. She used to talk about you all the time. She would tell every new team member stories about you, the way you'd kick doors in, the way you'd handle unsubs, the compassion you had for victims. That all stopped the minute you threw her out of your life."

"That's not fair! I had a lot going on."

"So did she."

"How do I fix this?"

"I'm not sure that you can."


	2. Chapter 2

I storm into my office and slam the door shut behind me. I don't know that I've been this angry in years. _Derek's back. He hasn't bothered to talk to me in years and now he's back. Acting like nothing's happened. Like he didn't just abandon all of us. How dare he?_ I'm pacing the short distance of my office when I hear a knock at the door.

"Hotch, can we do this later?" I ask, knowing it's him behind the door.

"Penelope, please just let me in. Talk to me," he responds. I quickly open the door and pull him inside before locking it, just in case Derek decides to try and come in. He moves further inside and goes to sit on the couch, pulling me down beside him.

"I just don't understand," I begin.

"What don't you understand?"

"How can he be back? How can he act like five years haven't gone by? Like he didn't just ignore us for half of that time?"

"I don't know about the last two questions, but he's back by orders from the director. He pulled me into his office yesterday evening and told me that Morgan was returning and that was that. I questioned the decision and told him that it would not be good for team morale, but he insisted. It was all very unusual, so I'm sure there's more going on there, but for now, we just have to try and welcome Derek back."

"I don't think I can, Hotch," I say, tears beginning to fall.

"I know, Penelope," he replies, pulling me into his arms. I begin to sob quietly, the strain of Derek's return fully taking its toll. "Rossi's has Derek in his office now, and he's trying to find out why he's back." Hotch begins once most of my sobs have subsided. "Once I know, you'll know. Hopefully this will all be temporary and we can all just go back to living our lives without him."

"How's Spence handling this?"

"He seems to be fine. He mostly seems annoyed. Derek leaving was the hardest thing the team has been through, and well, we didn't make it."

"JJ."

"Yeah, JJ. So we just need to try to be okay for right now. But, I want you to talk to me. I'm here for you, Penelope. My door is always open. And you can always stay over if you want to. Jack would love to see you."

"Aww, Jackers. How is he doing?"

"Very well. He started driving a few weeks ago, can you believe it?"

"No way! I feel so old now."

"I know. I feel that way every day. But seriously, Pen, I know things haven't been great over the past few years, but at least we've still got each other. Just remember that."

"Thanks, Aaron. And I know I don't say it enough, but thank you for being there for me since Derek left."

"It's nothing, Penelope. Now, I'm gonna go work, and I'll try to keep Derek out of your office."

"Thank you."

Once Hotch leaves, I turn to my computers, the only true source of comfort I can think of in this moment. They're also the source of truth. People will lie to you, but searches into what they've been up to for the past five years won't lie.

After a few quick key strokes, everything I should need to know about Derek is in front of me. Employment contracts with people throughout the area working as a handyman and Derek's numerous house renovations pop up first. After paging through these, medical records for doctor's appointments for Derek, Savannah, and Hank appear, and nothing appears to be abnormal. After several minutes of going through these records, I finally find documents that starts to make the puzzle pieces fit together.

I stand up and head out from my office, not quite sure where I'm going or what I'm doing. When I pull myself together, I realize that I'm standing outside Rossi's office, and I hear Derek talking.

"I don't understand what happened. I leave and now everything's different. My Baby Girl won't look at me, much less talk to me. You and Hotch seem to hate me now. Spencer doesn't want me to be back. And JJ! Where's JJ?"

"She's gone," I open the door and respond before Rossi has the chance, refusing to make eye contact with Derek.

"She left, Morgan."

"What? Where did she go?" he questions, looking back and forth between the two of us.

"She and Will decided to move back to Louisiana. They left about two years ago, now," Rossi responds.

"But how could she leave?"

"She didn't want to be a part of the broken family you left behind," I respond, looking down at my feet.

"Why did my leaving have such a big impact?"

"Do you really have to ask that?" Dave asks. "You broke up the family, of course it had a big impact. Nothing was the same afterwards."

"Well, I can see that," Derek responds, and I feel his gaze on me. "Baby Girl, what happened to you?"

"You left," I start in a small voice, still looking down. "But leaving wasn't enough for you. You had to stop talking to us, too."

"Pen, I didn't even think-"

"I know you didn't. You stopped thinking about us. Stopped caring about us. About me. And I know that the last few years haven't been easy for you, but you left us behind and then forgot about us, like the fifteen years before that didn't even matter to you."

I hear Derek stand up and walk over to me. "Of course those years mattered to me. They mattered more than anything. I had to leave. I thought you understood that. I'm sorry about the past few years. I know I haven't treated you well. And you're right. They were hard years for me, but I think I know what I need now and I'm not going to leave again. I'm back. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere."

"That's what I thought last time, too," I respond, slipping out of the office and walking away.


	3. Chapter 3

Shortly after Pen left Rossi's office, we got a call about a case and had to leave right away for New York. I know that heading to New York is a bad idea. Not only will it bring up memories of the past when I tried to leave for another team, but it'll also mean a few days away from Pen. I really just need the time to sit down and talk to her, explain everything, tell her everything I've realized, but she'll barely look at me, so maybe the time apart will be for the best.

"Derek," Rossi says, sitting in the seat across from me at the back of the jet. "Do you want to just give up and tell me what's going on?"

"Rossi, much as I would love to tell you, I need to tell her first. But she-"

"She'll listen. She just needs time to adjust to you being back. It's a lot of change. And you know how she is about change."

"I know, and I haven't been helpful. I got so caught up in what was going on in my little world that I forgot to check in. I forgot to call. I can only imagine how far her brain has taken that one."

"I think it's natural that she would think that you had forgotten about her. It has been a few years, after all. But she just needs time. It's good that we're going away."

"Sure it is," I mutter under my breath, still trying to convince myself that that's the truth.

"Derek-"

"No, it's fine. So, what have you been up to since I last saw you? Married?"

"No, I would have invited you to the wedding," he responds, smirking. "I haven't been up to much. The rest of the team, however…"

"Like what?"

"Well, JJ's gone as you've noticed. Tara left around the same time as JJ, decided to focus all of her efforts on researching and writing and right now she's on a book tour. Her book's a best seller, too, so I have some competition on my hands."

"Good! I'm glad you're not cornering the market on serial killer books anymore," I respond, feeling myself smile for the first time in a long while and see Rossi smiling genuinely. "What else?"

"Spencer has a girlfriend."

"What?! Really? An honest to goodness girlfriend?"

"Yep. She's a chemist, works in forensics for the DC police. They met on a case a few months ago and have been going steady since then."

"Going steady, huh. Good for him. Is Hotch seeing anyone?"

"Not really. Things are kind of complicated lately."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he's been spending a lot of his free time with Penelope, so he hasn't been able to date. But I'm not sure that he's missing the dating scene at all."

"Why has he been spending time with Pen?"

"She needs a friend and I've been back and forth a lot between here and going to see my grandkids. Spencer's in a relationship, so she doesn't like to bother him, and she hasn't really bonded with anyone else."

"Is something going on?"

"You're not really that obtuse, I hope."

"I mean, I know there's something going on, I just meant, something more than me leaving and all that came with that."

"Does there need to be more?"

"It just doesn't make sense to me."

"You left and had a kid and a wife to worry about, you didn't have a lot of free time to spend thinking about us and all that you had left behind. Penelope doesn't have that. She lost you, then she lost the team, and the team was all she really had at the end of the day."

"What about Sam?"

"What about him? He left her, actually, he cheated on her and then left her even though she tried to fix it. He's married now. He was even gracious enough to invite us all to the wedding."

"Asshole."

"My thoughts exactly."

"When did all of this go down?"

"About a month after you left."

"Why didn't she call? She could have talked to me about it."

"I think her reasoning was that you had more important things to do, more important things to worry about and you didn't need to be spending any time thinking about her."

"Wow. I-I don't really know what to say."

"Derek, I don't think you fully realized how bad things would be. What you leaving would mean for the team. You left a void. A void in the team, a void in our lives, and no new hire could fill that. It tore us apart."

"I'm starting to get that. So, Pen and Hotch, huh. Didn't really see that friendship coming."

"Really? They were always friends. At least, once you got past the hero worship she felt for him. They've been pretty inseparable since you left. They have movie nights, sleep over at each other's houses, have brunch on Sundays, the works."

"Are they…?"

"No, they're not together. And I don't think either of them feels that way about the other. I mean, they probably would be together if it wasn't for you."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if Penelope wasn't so hung up on you, they'd be together. But there you are."

"What-what?"

"What? Like you didn't know. That girl has been in love with you since you said 'hey, Baby Girl.'"

"No, she hasn't."

"Well, she probably didn't realize it at the time, I mean, she did tell me that she only realized once you left." The dumbfounded look on my face encouraged him to continue. "We came back from a case a few weeks after you left and I was wandering around, looking for Penelope, and I found her in your office, staring at your empty desk. She had taken to doing that a lot after you were gone. I sat down with her and she told me that she had realized that she had been in love with you the whole time. She just didn't know."

"Why-why didn't she say anything?"

"Derek, you were freshly married. With a child. Did you really think she was going to tell you all of that and ruin your relationship, ruin your perfect little life?"

"Then why are you telling me now?"

"Because I have a feeling that I know what brought you back to us, and I don't want to see you miss this chance."


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey, Baby Girl," I say, walking into Penelope's office. We had just arrived back from two weeks away on a case, and transitioning back to work at the BAU was hardly the easiest thing I've ever done. All I want to do is spend time with my Baby Girl, but I doubt that she'll want the same thing.

"Agent Morgan," she responds, not even turning away from her computers to acknowledge my presence.

"Pen, please. Don't 'Agent Morgan' me," I respond, but she acts as though she hasn't heard anything I've said. "I'm not leaving, Baby Girl," I say, shutting the door behind me and moving over and sitting down on her couch. "You can ignore me all you want, but I'm not going anywhere."

After a few moments of continued silence, I continue. "Fine. You don't want to talk? Then, listen. There's a lot that I need to say, and after the past two weeks away from you, with you refusing to call and ignoring my messages, I realized how badly we need to talk. Well, really, how badly I need to talk."

"Look, Pen, when I left, I was doing what I thought was right. I was leaving this job where I risk my life every day and risk the lives of my family without knowing it. An unsub could fixate on me, on my family. I couldn't live with that. So I chose not to. I left. But that wasn't the unforgiveable part. That was when I stopped calling, stopped checking in. I can't even begin to express how sorry I am for that. I was so wrapped up in everything that was going on in my life that I forgot to call. Before I realized it, it had been months, maybe even years, and I hadn't heard your voice. I missed it so much."

"So that's why you're back?" she asks, finally turning to face me. "Because you missed my voice?"

"No. Well, in part. I missed much more than your voice, Pen. I missed everything about you. But even that isn't the whole reason I'm back."

"Derek, you don't have to get into it. I-I did some digging and I know-"

"I figured, but I want you to hear it from me." She nods, encouraging me to continue. "After a few years, things got bad between me and Savannah. We were fighting a lot and having a lot of problems. Then, we had a huge fight. I wanted more kids, but she wouldn't even discuss it. After a few days of this, all I wanted to know was why she wouldn't talk about it. She finally broke down and told me that it was because of you." I look up at Penelope, and her mouth opens slightly, in surprise, and maybe a hint of anger.

"I didn't know what she meant. I mean, how could you factor into whether or not she and I have more children? She said that it was because I'm in love with you, and she doesn't want to stick me with more kids when she knows that someday I'm going to realize and leave her."

"She-she said that?"

"Yeah. And I thought about it for a while, and I realized that she was right." Pen's mouth opens all the more, and I see tears brimming in her eyes. "We talked about it a lot over the next few days and we decided that splitting up would be for the best. We can't get past this. We can't continue on, pretending to be okay, when I'm in love with someone else and she completely, and rightly, resents me. So we got a divorce, which I assume you know about already, from your searches. We settled everything reasonably amicably, and she gave me partial custody of Hank without putting up much of a fight."

"I moved out and live in one of my renovated houses now. And after a few weeks, I realized that I needed to come back. I needed to be back to work and I needed to see you again," I stated, moving over to kneel in front of Pen, grabbing her hand before continuing, "To work towards your forgiveness, and hopefully, one day, you'll feel the same way about me as I do about you."

She looks at me quickly before removing her hand from mine and using it to wipe away the tears that have begun to fall. "Derek," she starts, clearing her throat before continuing, "I don't really know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything, Baby Girl. Please, just take some time. Think things through. The only thing I want is for you to be my friend again," I look up and see her smiling slightly at me. "So, what do you say, let's go to your place, watch some movies, eat a lot of terrible food?"

"I would love to, but, D, there are some things that happened while you were gone. And I'm so glad that you're back. Really, I am. Despite all appearances, I've really missed you. But I need to tell you some things. When you left, I tried my hardest to be fine. To pretend that I was alright even though every part of me was broken inside because you were gone and I knew that things were never going to be the same again. I finally realized then how deeply in love with you I had been during the entire time we had known each other. That broke me even more. So I spent a lot of time getting over you. Things were dark for a while, still kind of are," she states, pulling on her hair to complete the statement. "I want things between us to go back to normal, but the world doesn't work like that. It's not going to be easy, and I'm not sure that I'm ever going to be able to trust you again. You left. You left and then you stopped talking to me. You used to tell me that I was your solace, that you couldn't live without me and my presence in your life, but then all of a sudden, you could. I can't just move past that."

"Pen, I'm not asking for you to just pretend it never happened. All I'm asking is for you to try to be my friend again."

"Okay, then. Let's go watch some movies."


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning, I wake up and feel more contentment than I think I've ever felt. I open my eyes and quickly realize that the reason I feel that way is because of the woman I have in my arms. My arm is wrapped around Pen's waist and she is cuddled up on my chest, both of us holding tightly onto the other. I smile to myself and try to keep still so that I don't wake her up.

 _Wow. She looks so beautiful right now. I haven't seen her look this carefree and unstressed in…I don't even know how long. Maybe not ever. I love her so much. I can't believe that we're here now. Oh man, she's gonna freak out if she wakes up with us like this. I mean, nothing even happened, we just fell asleep, but she's going to freak out. She's not ready for this. She's not even ready to go back to where we were before I left._

I navigate my way out of Pen's bed, moving slowly so that I don't wake her up and heading for the kitchen. I'm almost finished making breakfast for the both of us when I see Pen emerge from the bedroom looking completely adorable in her freshly-awoken state.

"Good morning, Baby Girl," I say, smiling broadly at the sight of her.

"I'll show you a good morning, Hot Stuff," she replies, and my heart skips a beat, feeling as though things are starting to return to normal. Even if it's just a little bit. _Baby steps_ I remind myself, returning to the stove to finish breakfast.

"How did you sleep?" I ask.

"Pretty well, actually. Better than I have in a really long time." I smirk up at her in response. "What?"

"Nothing. You're just cute this early in the morning."

"Oh, shut up," she responds, lightly blushing and moving into the kitchen. She comes up and wraps her arms around me from behind, looking around to see what I'm cooking. Having her wrapped around me makes my heart rate increase drastically, and I move one of my hands to hold hers, partially so that I can hold her hand, and partially so that I can keep her there, arms wrapped around me, never letting go.

"What's for breakfast?" she asks, her head moving to rest on my back.

"Pancakes. I hope that's okay. You had the stuff for it and they happen to be my specialty."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. They're Hank's favorite." At my response, I feel her move away from me slowly, as though she had completely forgotten about the last five years and they came rushing back to her in that moment. "I'm sorry, Pen. I shouldn't have-"

"No, D. It's fine. You have a son. I just had a momentary lapse of…judgment, I guess."

"Pen," I start, turning around to face her, "don't say that. I don't want to lose you again because of all of this. I can't lose you."

"I can't lose you either. Let's just not talk about it for a little bit. We should talk about it at some point, but for right now, I just want to be with you and not think about all of the reasons I shouldn't be."

"Okay. So, Baby Girl. What do you want to do today?"

"Well, unless Hotch calls, we have the day off, so we have lots of time to do nothing."

"That sounds perfect. We could pack and picnic and go to the park."

"Or we could go to DC and go to a museum or something."

"Or we could stay in and watch movies all day and then go out for a nice dinner."

"Ooh. That sounds like the winner. Let's do that. But, Rossi might call with an idea and ruin any plans we make, so keep that in mind," she states as her phone starts ringing. "He's nothing if not consistent," she tells me before answering her phone. I listen to her half of the conversation with interest, excited when I hear her tell him that she has plans for the whole day and she won't be able to participate in whatever plans he's come up with. She hangs up pretty soon after that, and comes back over to me and starts eating the pancakes that I've put out for her.

"What did Rossi have to say?"

"Oh. He wanted to know if I wanted to spend the day with him and his grandkids. He knows that days off from work tend to be hard on me."

"Why?"

"Well, with you gone, I had no one to spend the time with. I usually spend all of my free time with Hotch and Jack, but I feel guilty when we have full days off and I'm there keeping them from being together. Hotch always tells me that that's ridiculous and he and Jack love spending time with me, but the guilt is always there. And I don't really belong there. So I usually end up going in to work on days off and spending the day trying to not think about everything."

I look at her and realize in that moment just how terrible my leaving has been for her. "I'm so sorry, Pen," I state, knowing that it's nowhere near enough, but all that I real can say.

"Well, we found a way to manage. Rossi and Hotch really take care of me. Spence does too, he just doesn't have that much time anymore and he doesn't like to think about you leaving. It hit him hard. I think being with me just reminds him of you."

"I heard he has a girlfriend now."

"Yeah. She really helped him through everything."

"Did you date anyone while I was away?"

"No. I thought about it, but I couldn't bring myself to."

"Not even Hotch?"

"I knew you were going to bring this up. No. Hotch and I did not date. He has been there for me a lot. He stepped in and tried his hardest to fill the you-sized hole in my heart."

"Is he in love with you?"

"I doubt it. He did want us to try seeing each other, but I couldn't. It felt like I was betraying you. Which is ridiculous because you were married with a child. But still…"

"I'm glad you didn't. It's bad enough to know all that I put you through, but I'd like to think that I still have a chance with you. If you had been with Hotch, there's no way you would have given me a second thought." She laughs lightly at my earnestness, and I feel another part of my heart start to mend.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I hope this chapter makes up for it!**

* * *

A few weeks have passed since our first reunited movie night, and things seem to be getting back to where they were before he left. And if that's true, shouldn't I be feeling better? More at ease? But I don't. I still feel completely broken inside. I still feel the way I did when he first left. And the worst part is that I have no idea how to make it better. We spend time together just the two of us, and we watch movies, go drinking, occasionally talk, but it's not helping anything. I can't move past all that we've been through.

So it's one of our movie nights and I panic. I get home from work and he drove separately so that he could stop and pick up dinner, and as soon as I get into my apartment, I feel like the world is collapsing around me. I lock myself in the bathroom and fall onto the floor, everything in me telling me that I need to stop this. I need to stop spending time with him. I can't move backward.

After a few panicked breaths I find the courage to stand up and call him. His voice is almost enough to break my will again, but I don't want to end up on the bathroom floor again, so I do what I have to: I cancel our plans. I tell Derek that something's come up and I can't hang out tonight and I hang up so quickly after telling him that I'll see him tomorrow that I don't even think he had time to process what I had said.

Before I know where I'm going or what I'm doing, I'm out the door and in my car, driving quickly away from the scene. Needing to get away in case he shows up anyway. Needing to distance myself from him. From the memories of him. Now, here I am, knocking on the door, hoping that they're home and have time for me in my state of eternal crisis.

"Pen?" Aaron says, looking at me with the utmost concern in his eyes. Only then do I think about how I must look, my hair and clothes messed up from laying on the floor, my eyes rimmed in red from all of the tears I've shed in the past hour. But that isn't enough to stop a second round of tears which burst forth at seeing him and feeling relief at being with him.

Aaron pulls me into him in a tight hug and I crumble even more, all of my defenses falling down. He brings me into the house without letting go of me and we fall onto the couch, Jack coming in to see what's going on, but leaving the room when he sees the tears. After a few minutes of sobbing, I eventually calm down enough to talk to Hotch. Jack returns then with a cup of hot chocolate for me, but I can't bring myself to say thank you because I know I'll start crying again.

"Okay," Aaron begins, handing me the hot chocolate and gesturing for Jack to leave again. "Whenever you're ready, tell me what's going on."

After a few deep breaths, I feel calm enough to at least start. "I'm so scared, Aaron."

"Why? Did something happen?"

"No, not really. I'm scared, no, terrified, that I'm letting myself fall back in love with Derek."

"Oh. And you're not ready to trust him yet."

"Exactly. I don't know what to do! I can't do this to myself again! He's just going to find some reason to leave. I don't know why he hasn't left yet, but he will eventually. And I can't put myself through all of this again. I won't."

"I know, Pen. I can't imagine how scary all of this must be for you, but Derek's not the same guy who left you, who left the team."

"How can you tell?"

"He knows exactly what he wants now. He never did before. He was just confused the whole time he was here before, but he's not confused anymore. He wants you, and I can tell that he's not going to even think about leaving without you."

"So what's supposed to happen? I start trusting him again, we get together, and he bolts as soon as the sun rises. I know what kind of man he is."

"No, you know what kind of man he used to be. He's not that guy anymore."

"Yeah, he's a father now. He has a kid, Hotch! With another woman who he was married to. How am I supposed to accept that? How can I move on from that? I can take a lot of beatings. I have my entire life, but I don't think I can take that. He married someone else and it took her leaving him and telling him he was in love with me for him to realize that he was in love with me!"

Before Hotch can even begin to think up a response to me, there's a pounding at the front door that ends our conversation. Hotch seems prepared to ignore it and continue talking, but the pounding continues even more harshly this time around, and Hotch gives in and goes to answer. From my position on the couch, I can't see what's happening, but I can hear everything perfectly.

"Derek," Hotch greets, but stops short of any further greeting.

"Are you in love with her?"

"What?"

"Are you in love with her? Is that why she won't see me? Is that why things aren't going back to the way they were?"

"Derek, I have no idea what you're talking about," Aaron responds, and I can tell that the deflection meant to pacify Derek will only further anger him.

"Don't play dumb with me, man. You're in love with her and she's in love with you and no one's had the guts to tell me the truth. I knew this whole thing seemed weird."

"Maybe it only seems weird because you're coming back five years later acting like no time has passed, expecting that we'd all just spent the past five years waiting for your return and not moving on with our own lives."

"Man, I didn't ask you to give me an analysis of our situation. I can do that on my own. I asked you a simple question. Are you in love with Penelope?"

"Yes."


	7. Chapter 7

" _Man, I didn't ask you to give me an analysis of our situation. I can do that on my own. I asked you a simple question. Are you in love with Penelope?"_

" _Yes."_

There's a moment of silence after Hotch says this to Derek before I hear laughter coming from the hallway and it takes me a moment to realize that it's Hotch laughing.

"That's super messed up, Hotch."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, but seriously, Derek? You come over to my house as hostile as I've ever seen you and accuse me of loving Pen? I do love her, Derek, but not like that. I know that at the end of the day you both want to be together, and I'm not stupid enough to try and change that or get in between it."

"Wait? You really think she wants to be with me?"

"I know it, Derek. She just needs time to learn to trust you again."

"I thought things were getting back on track. I thought she was starting to trust me, but then she canceled our plans tonight and sounded really upset on the phone. I went over to her place and I couldn't find her. Esther wasn't even there, so I know she's not just hiding from me."

"Oh, Esther broke down a few years ago, she got a new car. It's that one right there," Hotch states and I feel as angry with him as I've ever been. Then I hear footsteps coming down the hall and Derek is in front of me before I can think of a way to escape.

"Hi, Derek," I say quietly, refusing to meet his eyes. He doesn't respond, but I see him come closer before pulling me into a tight hug.

"I was so worried about you, Baby Girl," he whispers in my ear, refusing to let go of me for a few moments.

"I'm sorry, Derek," I say once he lets me go, moving to sit on the couch next to me. I see Hotch hovering by the entrance to the room and I nod, letting him know that I'm okay and he can leave while we talk.

"What happened today? You seemed fine at work and then suddenly you weren't."

"I just-I couldn't. I realized that I couldn't be with you."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't start trusting you again and fall in love with you again only to have you leave. I barely survived the last time, I wouldn't survive a second round."

"Baby Girl, I'm not going anywhere. What makes you think that I am?"

"Well you didn't think you were going to leave last time, either, but you did. You left me and married someone else and had a child with her. The toll that took on me is not something I can just move on from, no matter how hard I try."

"Do you really think that I chose her over you?"

"Yes. That's what it felt like."

"I always put you on a pedestal before I left. From the moment we became friends, you were above everyone else. Your rightful place. But that pedestal became so high that at some point, I subconsciously knew you were unattainable for me. You were too good for me, not someone I deserved to be with. Someone I barely deserved to be friends with. I realized at some point that you'd never want to lower yourself to be with someone like me, so I tried my best to move on. It worked for a while, when I had Hank to take care of and Savannah to make me think that I was whole, complete, but I was so far from that. You're the only thing that will make me feel complete. If I have you and Hank with me, I'll have all I'll ever need in this life." After pausing for a few moments to give me time for all of this to sink in, Derek says quietly, grabbing my hand, "I want you to meet him, Pen. I mean, I know you've met him before, but he's five now. Five going on thirty, and I really want you to get to know him. I want him to get to know you."

"I would love that," I respond, feeling a few tears falling down my face before Derek quickly wipes them away and places a kiss on my forehead.

* * *

A few days later, I'm sitting in my apartment waiting for the knock at my door. When I finally hear it, I jump slightly and rush over to the door, taking a deep breath before I pull it open. On the other side of the door is Derek holding hands with Hank, who is a five year old version of his father. They are both grinning at me with the exact same look on their faces as they enter, Hank stopping in front of me. I crouch down so that we're on the same level and I hold out my hand.

"Hi there," I begin, "I'm Penelope."

"Hi!" Hank responds excitedly, grabbing my hand and holding it for a few seconds, "I'm Hank."

"It's really nice to meet you. You look just like your daddy." He beams at me after I tell him this before letting go of my hand and running into the apartment. I stand up and turn around, finding Derek beaming at me as well before pulling me into a hug.

"You can breathe now," he whispers into my ear and I start to chuckle slightly.

"You know me so well."

"I know, Baby Girl. There's no need to worry. He already loves you. That's the great thing about little kids, they love and trust you without you having to do much."

"I wish I could do that." Derek pulls away from the hug, looking at me sadly for a moment.

"It'll come. Just give it some time. I'll prove to you that I'm worthy of your trust. I love you, Pen."

My mouth gapes open slightly at hearing him say those words, and I feel myself fall just a little deeper.


	8. Chapter 8

"Alright, wheels up in 30," Hotch announces before ending the team meeting. Another new case that interrupted our much needed vacation time. I look around as the team starts leaving and see that Derek is already halfway back to his office. I stand up and head to my office to drop some things off and start some preliminary searches before I follow after him, hoping that nothing bad has happened.

Even from down the hall, I can hear Derek getting upset over the phone. "I know it's my week with him, Savannah, but we just got pulled away on a case…No, I can't just skip this one. This is my job…Can you please just take him this week?...You're where?...Okay, fine. I'll figure something else out. Goodbye." I hear something crash to the floor as I walk into his office.

"What's going on, Hot Stuff?"

He lets out a deep sigh before turning around and facing me. "Savannah's away all week and I don't have anyone who can watch Hank. She wants me to just drop the case and stay with him, but I can't do that. And I would never ask her to do that to one of her patients. She acts like I'm only doing this so that I can get away from Hank. As if there was any part of me that wanted to be away from him."

"Derek. Deep breaths, calm down," I say, moving towards him and rubbing his back. "Why don't I watch Hank? I can drop him off at school before work and pick him up and bring him back here. He can stay at my place or I can stay at yours."

"Would you really do that for me, Pen?" Derek asks, looking at me with his heart in his eyes.

"I would do anything for you." Derek moves towards me and kisses my forehead before turning around and picking up his phone.

"This really means the world to me, Baby Girl. I owe you so badly."

"No you don't. Just stay safe out there and come back home."

"Anything for you." Derek smiles at me before turning around and beginning to make calls to arrange things for Hank to stay with me while I head back to my office.

* * *

A few hours later, I pull up outside the school and see Hank standing with a few other kids by their teacher. I walk over to the teacher and Hank comes running towards me as soon as he spots me.

"Hi, buddy!" I say. "Did you have a good day at school?"

"Yes! But it's even better now!"

"Well, you and I are gonna get to hang out together for the next few days while your daddy is away. Does that sound okay?"

"YES! Can we play with my dinos tonight? And can we have mac and cheese for dinner?" Hank is jumping up and down and the worry I had been feeling about this adventure starts to disappear.

"Of course we can! I have to check in with your teacher before we can head out of here, but then we can go to the office and hang out there for a little bit." Hank grabs a hold of my hand and starts running toward his teacher.

"Mrs. S, this is Penelope, my daddy's girlfriend. She's taking me home." I feel myself blushing deeply at Hank's words, but I push aside all of the feelings that the g-word bring up and smile at the woman, pulling out my ID and FBI badge.

"Hi, Agent Derek Morgan called the school earlier to let them know that I'd be picking Hank up for the next few days until he's back from work."

"Oh, yes. The principal told me. I'm Angie Staford, Hank's teacher. It's very nice to meet you. Hank talks about you a lot," she responds, taking my ID and badge and looking them over closely before smiling up at me and handing me my things. I'm blushing even more deeply now, and really just want to get away from the school.

"Alright, you're good to go. I'll see you tomorrow, Hank!"

"Bye, Mrs. S!"

"Goodbye, it was very nice meeting you!" I say, being led away by a very excited Hank who is more than ready to start our week together.

* * *

I'm finally home again after one of the worst cases I can remember being on, and being kept away from home for a week that started to feel like a full month. I open the door to the house and turn off the alarm before resetting it once the door is shut and locked. I look around and there are no lights on in the house, so I know Pen had probably passed out soon after putting Hank to bed. I drop my things at the base of the stairs before heading up to find Pen and let her off the hook.

I stop outside Hank's room and look inside but don't see him anywhere. I refuse to let the fear inside me take over at not seeing him and I continue down the hall into my bedroom where I see the most beautiful sight that sets me at ease like nothing else. There, completely passed out, are my son and the woman of my dreams cuddled together underneath the blankets. Penelope has her arm protectively draped over Hank and she looks so at peace with the world. Before I can help myself, I start taking off my clothes and with them, the stress of this case, and I fall into the bed, wrapping my arm around Penelope, pulling her closer to me and Hank on her other side. Everything feels so perfect and right to me in that moment. These are the only two people that I need in my life.


	9. Chapter 9

A few weeks have passed and it seems like things are finally where I want them to be. Pen is happy, flirting with me constantly, coming over all the time to hang out with me and Hank, and the most telling of all, her hair is blonde again. I know my disappearance has still made her wary, but she seems to finally be trusting me again. And things have been so wonderful because of it.

Walking into the office that morning, I see Pen in the kitchen making tea, wearing my favorite of her outfits, a bright pink dress with flowers on it, and matching flowers in her hair. Seeing her looking as beautiful as always gives me all the courage I need that morning. I walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist. She startles slightly but quickly realizes that it's me and relaxes into my arms.

"Good morning, Baby Girl."

"I'll show you a good morning, Hot Stuff," she responds a little breathlessly.

"You doing okay?" I ask, knowing the reason she's breathless, but wanting to see her a little flustered.

"I-I-I'm fine, thank you."

"You're better than fine, the way I see it," I say directly into her ear, making her shiver against me. "So, Baby Girl, I have a proposition for you."

"What's that?" she asks, sounding a little nervous.

"You, me, dinner tonight."

"Like a-"

"A date. An honest to goodness first date. I pick you up, we're both insanely nervous and don't know how to function, we go to a fancy restaurant, pay too much for very little food, talk about anything but work, and at the end of the night, I try to convince you to let me come upstairs. How does that sound?" I can feel Penelope stiffen slightly and I prepare myself for the worst, but it doesn't come.

"That sounds amazing. Pick me up at 7." And just like that, she walks out of my arms and back to her office, acting like nothing happened. Like we didn't just make the biggest move in our new relationship.

* * *

I leave work early that night, making sure that I have enough time to get ready. I wave goodbye to Derek from across the room as I head out for the day, and I feel all of my nervous excitement bubbling up inside me. When Derek came up to me that morning, I could tell that things were different. But I've been waiting for this moment for a while now. I've been ready to restart with Derek, ready for something new. I finally realized I was ready a few weeks ago when I had been babysitting Hank for Derek. There had been a thunderstorm and Hank was freaked out and asked to sleep with me, and the next morning when I woke up, Derek was holding me and I was holding Hank and everything about that moment felt so right. Since then, I knew that that feeling was what I wanted every moment of the rest of my life. And now we could try to make that happen.

Getting ready that evening, I can't help but smile every time I think about the night ahead of me. I decide to wear a new dress I had just purchased, which Derek has never seen on me before. I actually bought it with the intention of wearing it on our first date, just in case he finally decided to ask me. It's a red dress that's skintight and ends about mid-thigh, leaving very little to the imagination, and I know Derek's going to love it.

I feel myself getting really nervous as it gets closer and closer to 7, but I know that everything's going to be okay because I'm going to be with Derek. I'm going on a date with Derek. I still can't believe that. If someone had told me that this date would happen 5 years ago, I never would have believed them. But I'm so excited for it. And for our future. Hopefully together.

Pretty much as soon as the clock strikes 7, there's a knock at the door, and I rush over to answer it. Standing on the other side is Derek holding a bouquet of daisies. His jaw drops as soon as he sees me, and I can't help the smile that comes across my face. "Damn, Pen. You look incredible. I mean, you always look amazing, but…wow."

"Thanks, D. You don't look so bad yourself," I reply, and he really doesn't. Wearing a suit and red tie that eerily matches the dress I'm wearing, we look like we always do: perfect together.

"I brought you some flowers. Daisies, your favorite."

"Thank you, Derek, they're beautiful."

"The flowers are nothing. You're the beautiful one. Damn it, Pen. You're making we want to skip dinner altogether. And I even got reservations at Antonio's."

"What?! How did you swing that one?"

"I know some people. Well, Rossi knows some people. And he's rooting for us."

"I'm rooting for us, too," I respond, smiling at Derek before moving into my apartment to put the flowers down and grab my things. I walk back to Derek and grab his hand, heading to his car, ready to start our next big adventure.

* * *

"I honestly never knew that about you!" Pen says from next to me at the dinner table.

"Well I don't exactly walk down the street telling everyone who passes me that I wanted to work at Disney World when I was a kid. Plus, doesn't everyone want to do that?"

"I never did."

"You liar. You, the queen of fairytales and princesses are trying to tell me that you never wanted to work at Disney World."

"Nope. Never. I wanted to work at Disneyland," Pen replies, laughing hysterically once she tells me this.

"Oh, good one. You're gonna get payback for that one later."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, really," I say leaning closer to her at the table.

"Well I think that that means it's time to go. If I remember correctly, there's one more part left to tonight."

"And what's that?"

"You promised that you were going to try to get invited into my apartment. And I have an inside source that tells me you shouldn't have any trouble scoring that invitation. Or scoring in general."

I grab my wallet with lightning speed and place down cash to pay for our bill before grabbing Pen's hand and rushing out the door.

"What's the rush, Derek? We've got all night."

"Yeah, but I'm ready for desert now," I respond, pushing Pen up against the brick outer wall of the restaurant, kissing her for all I'm worth.


	10. Chapter 10

It's been a few month since Derek and I started officially dating, and things are going incredibly well. I was so reluctant to trust him again, but he seems to be totally different now and I know how much he cares about me. It feels so good to finally be with him. Everything has started to make sense in my life and I for the first time I feel genuinely happy being with someone else. And I've started doing things like planning our future together. And moving things into his house.

I'm thinking about how wonderful everything has been for the past few weeks when I wake up and start getting ready for work. But I don't get far in my morning ritual when I have to run to the bathroom and end up vomiting. When the first wave of nausea goes away, I find my phone and call Hotch to let him know that I won't be able to come into work that day. I'm about to call Derek to tell him not to worry about me, but the second wave hits before I have the chance.

* * *

Getting into work that morning, I look around for Pen but can't find her anywhere. She's not in any of her normal morning spots: her office, my office, or the breakroom. I'm wandering around aimlessly when Hotch calls for me from his office.

"What's up, Hotch?" I ask, walking into his office and sitting down.

"You're looking for Penelope?"

"Yeah. Have you seen her? I can't find her anywhere."

"She called in sick this morning. Said she wouldn't be in all day today. I thought she would have told you."

"She didn't. Do you mind if I take off and go make sure she's okay?"

"Not a problem. We don't have any cases coming in. But I'll call you if anything pops up."

"Thanks, man. I appreciate that."

Heading out from Hotch's office, I stop in my office to grab my things before heading out. I stop along the way to pick up some chicken noodle soup and movies for us to watch before heading to her apartment.

"Pen, honey, where are you?" I yell, walking into her apartment. But there's no response other than a groan that seems to be coming from the bathroom. Walking into the bathroom, I find Pen laying on the bathroom floor curled up in a ball looking completely helpless.

"Oh, baby girl," I say kneeling next to her and pulling her to me.

"Hi, hot stuff," she whispers in response before turning green and lurching towards the toilet. Holding her hair back and rubbing her back while she throws up, I think back to our date last night, trying to remember what Pen ate that would lead to this.

"Do you think it was the salad dressing you had? Or maybe dessert?" I ask once this round of vomiting appears to be over. "Maybe you just have the flu. Did you get your flu shot this year?" She nods slightly in answer to me while still hovering over the toilet. "Well, I guess it's food poisoning. Unless you got the flu anyway. Is there any medicine or anything you want?"

"Yeah," she responds after a few seconds, refusing to look at me. "Go get a pregnancy test."

I drop my hand from her back in complete shock for a moment, just staring at her. "What did you say?"

"Go get a pregnancy test, Derek," she says more forcefully this time before turning away from me and resuming her place her on the floor.

I stand up slowly and walk away, in a complete daze. I walk to the pharmacy down the street from Pen's apartment and wander to the section with pregnancy tests. _Why are there so many different kinds of these things? Can't there just be one? What's the different between any of these?_ After dwelling for a few minutes, I pick up one of each variety of tests and checkout. I get more than a few looks while checking out and feel like I need to justify myself. "I didn't know which kind to get. There's a lot of different kinds."

The clerk nods her head in understanding before responding "Do you want to get her something to drink so she can use all of these?"

"That's a good idea," I respond walking away and grabbing Pen a bottle of juice. After checking out, I head back to her apartment and find her still on the floor of the bathroom. Handing her the bags, I help her stand up, still in a complete daze while she just seems completely upset about what's happening.

"Can I have a minute?" she asks, and I nod before leaving her alone in the bathroom. She slams the door shut behind me and I fall onto her bed. _What if she's pregnant? What am I going to do? We didn't plan for this. She's going to hate me. First I leave her for another woman, then I abandon her entirely, then I waltz back into her life and she finally starts to trust me again and let me in, and I completely ruin it. We've never even talked about the potential for kids. Never once mentioned it. I mean, I want kids with her. She'll be the most amazing mother. And those kids will be absolutely stunning as long as they take after their mother. But right now? We just got to a good place. This is going to ruin everything between us. We're not ready for this. At all. I'm not ready to be a father again. But how amazing would it be to have a kid with Pen. I would be the luckiest guy in the world if I got to be the father of her kid. Even if she doesn't want to stay together because of this, as long as I get some time to see my kid, it'll be amazing. She's going to be the best mom. I hope I can prove myself worthy enough to let her want me around._

After a few minutes, Pen walks out from the bathroom and she's crying, but I can't tell why and I can't read her face at all.


	11. Chapter 11

"Pen?" Derek says, looking extremely concerned. He stands up from the bed and moves towards me, and I shrink back away from him, still completely in shock. "What did the test day?"

"I'm-I'm pregnant," I respond, unable to make eye contact with him as I move to sit on the bed, clutching the pregnancy test hard enough that my knuckles are turning white. I see Derek moving towards me again and he kneels down in front of me, grabbing hold of my hands, trying to get me to look at him.

"Pen, we're gonna be okay. This is actually pretty amazing. I wasn't ever sure that I'd be a dad at all and now I'm gonna have two incredible kids, one of whom is with the love of my life. You're going to be the greatest mom that's ever existed. Don't doubt that for a second. This is going to be the luckiest kid in the world because they'll have you as their mom. Just don't freak out, and please don't let this affect us."

"Derek," I say, not really having heard anything that came out of his mouth. "I need some time. Do you mind leaving?"

"Some time to do what?"

"Think. Process. Figure out what I'm going to do," I respond, pulling my hands out of his grasp.

"What do you mean what _you're_ going to do?" he asks, clearly upset now, standing up and pacing the short length of the bedroom. "This is our kid, Pen. _We_ need to be talking about what we're going to do, what the next steps are."

"Derek, I never planned on this. Hell, I never planned on any of this. You left and I was finding a way to cope. And I was going to be okay. And now you're back and I let you in and now I'm pregnant. I never planned on this. I never planned on becoming a mother. It wasn't what I saw for myself, and I'm not entirely sure that this is what I want. What I want in general, and what I want my life to become. I just-I just need some time to think things through and to process."

"Why can't we talk through it together? I know that you didn't plan for this, and I didn't either, but it's happening and I think it's an amazing thing. You and me. Having a baby. What bad could there be in that? I get that you're upset because this is shocking and new, and it is for me too, but don't throw me aside because you're scared and upset. Please, Pen, please don't do that. Let me help. Let me be here and talk this through with you."

"Derek, I just-"

"Please, Pen," he interrupts me and I force myself to look at him, and only then do I see the tears brimming in his eyes. My instincts start kicking in and I move over to him, pulling him to me in a hug that he immediately responds to, pulling me impossibly tighter to him. Being held by Derek never gets old. Something about the strength of his arms as they surround me and the outpouring of love I instantly feels being held against him gives me the courage I need to accept what's happening.

"Okay," I whisper against his chest, "let's talk about this." I feel him breathe a sigh of relief at my words, and he instantly relaxes even further into our embrace.

"Thank you," he whispers back so quietly that I almost don't hear him. I pull out of our embrace only far enough to place a soft kiss to his lips before pulling him with me to the bed. Instantly cuddling up together on the bed, we lay there staring at each other for a few minutes before either of us can think of what to say.

"Am I really the love of your life?" I find myself asking before I can think better of it.

"Without a doubt," he responds without hesitation.

"Sorry, it took me a bit to catch up on all that you said. I'm in a bit of a daze right now."

"I understand," he says. "But, you are the love of my life and once we figure things out, I'll remind you constantly just how much I love you and how excited I am to be having a kid with you. But I get that you're scared right now, so I won't talk about it."

"Thank you," I say, feeling a goofy smile come to my face.

"Can I ask you a question?" Derek asks, looking concerned again. I nod slightly and he starts talking. "Did you really mean it when you said that you never saw yourself being a mother?"

I take a deep breath before answering. "Yeah. I think because of the way my relationships of the past had been going, and my own parents, somewhere along the way I wrote it off as something that would never happen to me. I think it really hit when you left and were fathering your own child. Because at some point I convinced myself that you were the only man I would want to have children with. I mean, that's still true, but when you left, I completely gave up on the idea of kids being in my future."

"I'm sorry you felt that way. But I won't deny how happy I am to hear you say that I'm the only man you wanted to have kids with." He looks at me and his smile is as big as I've ever seen it and I know without a doubt that mine is just as big.

"I love you, Derek. I'm sorry if I seemed unhappy about being pregnant, I just don't really know how to deal with this information."

"But it's going to be okay, Pen. We'll figure it all out together. I wasn't really there for Savannah during her pregnancy, but I'm going to be here for you. And we'll work it out and figure out how to do this. I love you."


End file.
